March 5th 2018
This isn't good. She knows, damn it. I can't even lie to her and tell her I take the
medications for a different reason. She knows what the medications are for. I completely
forgot I had my medications in my purse when I gave her permission to go in it to grab the
tampon. I mean, I wasn't thinking. I was half asleep.
I don't know what to say. She’s caught me off guard. I stay silent.
"The medications are anti-retroviral medications. They are used to treat HIV."
Cori gasps, completely shocked. Cori looks at me, but I turn my head. I can't look at her. "Do you have HIV?" She asks.
I stand up to clear my plate. I've lost my appetite. What am I supposed to say?
"Those aren't mine."
Brennley stands up. "Hayden, I saw your name on them."
I get defensive. This is my worst case scenario. I wanted to be the one to tell them on my own accord, so Brennley finding out this way? It’s awful.
"Maybe I took them out under my name for someone else, did you ever think of that? Maybe someone who’s ashamed of having to go to the pharmacy to buy them, worried they will be judged? Did you ever think of that?" Okay, that was a horrible lie, but I'm feeling cornered.
Brennley blows out a breath, and scratches her head. "No, I didn't. I wasn't accusing you of anything. I was just stating what I saw."
I'm angry, but only because they found out like this. "Well, don't jump to conclusions."
I look over at Cori and I can see tears forming in her blue eyes. "Hayden, just be honest with us. Whose medications are those?"
I squeeze my eyes shut. I will not cry. "No one's!" I shout.
I look over and see tears now forming in Brennley's eyes. I can't do this. There are too many emotions floating throughout this room. I'm sad, hurt, angry, devastated, frustrated, and feeling very, very guilty.
"They aren't mine," I sob. My shoulders begin to shake. Cori comes over and lifts my hands away from my face and wraps me in a hug.
"Hayden, it's okay if they are yours, just be honest with us. We don't care if they are yours."
You know the feeling you get when you are about to cry and someone asks you if you are alright, and it's them saying that, that makes you ultimately cry? That's what I'm feeling right now. I release Cori's grip on me and gently push her away. I turn and walk to the other side of the kitchen. I turn to face them. I wipe the tears that have spilled down my cheeks. I shake out my hands. My heart is hammering in my chest. My chest feels tight, like an elephant is sitting on it. I feel a bit dizzy, like the room is moving and I'm having trouble seeing straight. I take a deep breath until both of them come back into focus.
I decide it's time for the truth to come out. Although when I tell them I can't look at them. I'm scared to see their reaction.
"Alright, I give up. Those pills are mine." I cry. "Because I am, in fact, HIV positive."